The Little Match Girl

On December 5th, my dance studio performed its Christmas production: "The Little Match Girl." I wish I had more pictures, but I was too busy to take any! I had such a wonderful time! I had 5 pieces in the concert: 3 Creative classes (3-4 yr olds), 1 Junior Company modern piece, and 1 modern piece for the soloists. We had an insane dress rehearsal, but all of my dancer friends will tell you: Bad dress rehearsal=Great Show! I actually reminded our Production Manager of this the afternoon of the show, and I ended up being right! On show night, everything went very smoothly, and the dancers performed better than they ever have. I arrived early, and was in charge of warming up the Company girls. It was fun. They insisted I wear glitter on my eyes, just like them. Apparently glitter is a performance must now-a-days. That stuff kept getting in my eyes the entire night, and I kept seeing "stars" in my peripheral--a bit of an annyance. Maybe it was a sloppy application on McKenzie's part.

After the warm-up, I went out to check on the younger girls, and they looked so adorable! They were so excited to perform, and were so excited to show me their bows, make-up, and curls :) I thought for sure they'd start crying as we waited in the wing--in the darkness! But they were troopers and couldn't wait to get out there for their turn. I even had one little girl run back on stage after exiting because she was having so much fun :) With the exception of 3 dancers, they actually performed their choreography with confidence (the other 3 couldn't hold in their excitement, and began dancing their "favorite way" as soon as the music started). Still very entertaining! My Junior Company girls made me cry. They performed beautifully, and have improved so much. It was the best they've ever done, and I was proud of them!

I had such a great time, and loved being in that type of atmosphere again. When I got home, there was a little emergency in the place I live. After getting Annabelle, she and I headed to my parents' to spend the weekend. Luckily everything is back to normal, and we're doing great (other than an annoying sinus headache and a touch of asthma). But hey...'tis the season, right?! I am soooo ready to do some Christmas activities! Maybe it's the weather, but I haven't even felt like it's Christmas, and we only have 2 weeks left! I guess I better get busy!

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving was different from previous Thanksgivings. I had planned on having Thanksgiving with my family this year (Josh and I alternate years with our families). I decided I'd pack up and spend the weekend at my parents' house; I didn't really feel like being in an empty house during the holiday! From the moment Annabelle and I woke up on Thanksgiving morning, things felt a little more challenging. However, I was able to get myself and Annabelle ready, pack up 4 day's worth of clothes and essentials, and load up the car on my own. That's quite an accomplishment in and of itself! But almost as soon as we began our drive, Annabelle began fussing--not crying, just whining and fussing. Sometimes I think that happens to be more frustrating than crying :)
We met up with my parents, and headed over to my cousins' house. Annabelle wasn't in a great mood, but I hoped things would change when we got inside. As we approached the door, my mom informed me that neither my sister nor my brother would be joining us for dinner. My heart sank and I felt like crying right on the doorstep. I know it sounds silly, but with Josh being gone I was relying on that sense of security and happiness that being with your family provides. I felt I needed them emotionally. I don't know that I have ever felt that to such a great extent before, and it hit me hard. But I tried to hold it together. We got inside, and it was wonderful to see my aunt Wendy, my grandma, and all my cousins. I love them very much, and I am grateful they invited us to celebrate with them. Annabelle continued to fuss, and when we sat down for dinner I was so occupied with her that I ate only about 6 bites. She was tired and cranky. About this time my mom left to get the pie she had left at home. I don't know why, but I felt like I was at my whit's end. I missed my husband; my daughter was upset; Brittany and Brady weren't there, and now my mom was gone.
I had planned on dropping off Annabelle with Josh's parents for a few hours while I went to a movie with my family, so at this point I just decided to leave a little early so she could sleep in the car for a little while. She fell asleep after only 5 minutes of driving, and I just broke down crying. I missed Josh so much; I missed my family, and I was exhausted. After a while, Brittany called and I cried on the phone to her, complained that I ate only approximately 6 bites, complained that I was out driving aimlessly on Thanksgiving, complained that Josh was gone, complained that I had a headache, etc. etc. Then the time came to drop off Annabelle with Josh's parents--I am so grateful they were willing to help me out! I met my family at the movie theatre, and Brittany had 2 full plates of food for me! So there I was sitting in the lobby of the movie theatre, eating my Thanksgiving dinner. It was delicious, and she makes the BEST pumpkin cheesecake EVER!! Brittany, Brad, my mom, my dad and I all saw "Four Christmases" and I loved it. I was so grateful to be in their company!
After it finished I got into my car and began driving to pick up Annabelle. I was stopped at an intersection, waiting for the light to change. The car in front of me had the BRIGHTEST yellow blinker I've ever seen--it was blinding! In my pathetic, emotional state I started crying again. I wished it would stop blinking in my face; I wished I had some distraction so I wouldn't notice it so much; I wished it would stop making this day feel so much longer. It is strange, but I can vividly remember that yellow blinker making me feel worse--true story! When I got to Josh's parents' house, Josh was on the phone! FINALLY I would get to talk to him. We talked for only a few minutes and then Annabelle started screaming because the dog scared her. I let him go and headed to my mom's. It felt wonderful to get there. My mom always has fresh sheets on the bed, samples of really good hygiene products in the bathroom, a heater and steamer for Annabelle's room, plus more love than you could ever wish to have. I put Annabelle to bed, and Josh called again! I was so grateful to hear his voice. I had been missing him like crazy all day, and I didn't get a chance to say much of anything when he had called earlier. I love him so much, and he actually made me laugh. Here he is over in Afghanistan, away from all of us, the one who is really alone on Thanksgiving, and he's talking about the great feast he had: Ice sculptures, egg nog from a fountain, toasts with the guys, etc. I was grateful people made the effort to make it nice for them--they deserve it! He is great--I love him!
The remainder of the weekend was great. I went to The Gateway's "Light up the Night" with my entire family; we went shopping; we simply hung out together the whole weekend and it was just what I needed. I loved hanging out with my mom after putting Annabelle to bed; I loved shopping around with Brittany, Daisy and Paige; I loved feeling the safety and security of having my dad in the next room. Spending time with family just can't be beat!
I have recently finished Glenn Beck's book, "The Christmas Sweater." In it he says, "What most people don't realize is that you don't have to fight the storm...you just have to stop feeding it--stop giving it power over you." I feel as though a deployment during the holidays is somewhat of a storm I am passing through right now. But I don't need to allow it to have power over me; I can see it for what it is and move on. I pray December will pass a little more smoothly, and I will be able to focus only on those things I do have, rather than what is missing.

Published

Today I received the Battalion November Newsletter; this is the newsletter I get every month from Josh's Battalion leaders. It always includes a letter from the commander, the 1st sargeant, and a few other various leaders. This month they published an article I wrote about deployment! I'm very excited. Next up? A book! Ha ha :)

Thanksgiving Message

Why do we celebrate Thanksgiving? Here is George Washington's Thanksgiving Proclamation:

WHEREAS it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favour; and Whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, requested me "to recommend to the people of the United States a DAY OF PUBLICK THANKSGIVING and PRAYER, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness:"
NOW THEREFORE, I do recommend and assign THURSDAY, the TWENTY-SIXTH DAY of NOVEMBER next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed;-- for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enable to establish Constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted;-- for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge;-- and, in general, for all the great and various favours which He has been pleased to confer upon us.
And also, that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions;-- to enable us all, whether in publick or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government a blessing to all the people by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to protect and guide all sovereigns and nations (especially such as have shewn kindness unto us); and to bless them with good governments, peace, and concord; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us; and, generally to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as he alone knows to be best.
GIVEN under my hand, at the city of New-York, the third day of October, in the year of our Lord, one thousand seven hundred and eighty-nine.
(signed) G. Washington

Here is a list of things I am especially thankful for--30 blessings for 30 years!

How it works: Each numbered blessing coordinates with that particular year in my life.

Here are numbers 1 through 15:

1: My Mom: Thanks for having me and loving me

2: My Dad: Thanks for always being there for me, and for always supporting our family!

3: Brittany: Thanks for being my best friend from the very beginning.

4: Dance: I am grateful my mom enrolled me into Creative dance at age 4--Dance has almost always been a huge part of my life. I am so thankful to be able to teach right now--I love my dancers (see pictures below)!

5: Health: I remember walking to school each day for Kindergarten. I am grateful I have my health because I love to dance and work out.

6: Honesty and self-confidence: When I was 6, I told some friends I was on a soccer team (I even lied in my journal)! I was never on a soccer team, but wanted to be "cool." I've learned it's much better to be happy with who I am.

7: Kind people: When I was 7, I made up and not-so-nice song about my teacher. He passed away shortly after that, and I felt terrible. I learned it's better not to speak badly of others. You will always regret it.

8: The Gospel of Jesus Christ: I am so grateful I was baptized into the church. The gift of the Holy Ghost is the best gift I've been given. I hope to always be worthy of that gift.

9: Friends: I began making lifelong friends at this age. Most of my good friends were from clogging because we spent so much time together. I am so thankful for all the great times!

10: Teachers and School: In the 5th grade I began caring about my grades--I always tried to get straight A's. I am grateful to all my instructors who took the time to teach me, and weren't afraid to tell me when I had done something wrong.

11: Competition: At age 11 I started getting really competitive. I wanted to have the best handwriting in the class so Mrs. Mostyn would ask me to write on the board; I cried when I was eliminated from the spelling bee, etc. This fostered growth and improvement and I'm thankful for that.

12: Clogging: I LOVE it--always will! When I was 12, I made the All Rocky Mountain Team for the 1st time. It was soooooo hard to make it, and only 12 were chosen out of hundreds of dancers. It was the 1st time I felt real success and achievement, and I'll never forget it. My clogging yrs. were so fun!

13: Humility: At age 13 I ran for Class President--I lost. Yet I thought I had it in the bag! I was sick the day they announced the results, and my mom called the school. When she told me I had lost, I was shocked. But she had always said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." It's important to stay humble, and to always work hard. Don't take anything for granted!

14: Innocence: When I was 14 I had my 1st boyfriend. He was way more "experienced" at the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I had never even held a boy's hand! He dumped me because his friends teased him relentlessly for not being able to get to 1st base--only "ready to bunt." Whatever that means! I'm grateful I was strong and naive during those yrs!

15: Role models and hairspray: My drill team instructor became my 1st real role model. She was graceful, kind, beautiful, successful, educated, etc. She was always there for me during a very difficult year. During this year I also had HUGE hair, and went through TONS of hairspray. Brittany says people called me "Mufasa" behind my back! It was probably close to factual, but hey...I still think they should have been kind (refer to #7...I'm thankful for kind people) :)

To Be Continued...

PS-Here are some pics of my dancers!

My Daughter

Annabelle Alyse was born 5 September 2007. She means the world to me! When she was born, I remember feeling overwhelmed and unfit. I think I had the Baby Blues during her first month; I just remember crying a lot and feeling like I didn't know what to do for her. She had colic, and seemed to get very little sleep. I lacked confidence in myself as her mother, and relied more on my mom and Josh to step in and help me out. I had big expectations of what I thought motherhood would be, and then here I was with a screaming baby, still in my pajamas at 3pm. When I think back to these first 4 months, it seems like forever ago, and at the same time feels like yesterday.
I eventually adjusted to my new life as a mom, and Annabelle eventually adusted to her new life as a thriving, happy baby. We made it through. I learned a lot in those first few months, yet the majority of my growth as a mother has come since Josh left for Afghanistan. In fact the majority of my growth as a wife and woman has come since Josh left for Afghanistan. It doesn't surprise me; I'm sure it doesn't surprise any of you. However I am most surprised by how much I have come to adore Annabelle, and how much I love who she is becoming.
She is beautiful and loving. When I go into her room in the morning I always ask her for loves before changing her diaper. She always complies, and even says, "Ohhhhhhhhhh." After breakfast we play and read books together. She will go through the book basket, tossing some aside and tossing her favorites on my lap. She loves books, especially books about animals! When she naps, she sleeps with her little bum straight in the air, or completely sprawled out with a blanket over her face. She loves the feeling of something soft on her face. I love to rock her! She smiles up at me, giggles a little, and then slowly calms down, cuddles a blanket up by her face and goes to sleep. I usually run my fingers through her hair, and when I stop she lifts up her hand and starts doing it herself :) She is always on the go, and LOVES to crawl--not walk. Her smile, laugh, and sense of humor are what really set her apart though. She has an infectious smile which involves squinty eyes and a wrinkled nose. It always brings a smile to my face. Since the day she was born, she has always walked her own path, and I am so grateful. Most importantly she has shown me true love in its purest form. There is nothing better on the face of the earth, I promise you.
This deployment has helped me in many ways, but I believe the most important thing I have gained is a true sense of self. Perhaps this came as a result of being a mother, but I'm not sure. I think I may have traveled a little off center the past few years without realizing it. I realize it now because I feel so different--better. I feel that my life has real purpose, and that I have the strength I need to be who I really am inside. I haven't been acting like someone else, but at times I feel I have lacked the strength to be all I can. Now I feel empowered by assistance from my Heavenly Father. I know now, more than ever, that He is there for me, and will help me be who He needs me to be. Have you ever sat down to read your Patriarchal Blessing and thought, "Wow, I blew it. I have made so many mistakes, and everything that was supposed to be mine is gone. I didn't become who I was supposed to." Well, I have. But I don't feel that way anymore, and I believe Annabelle is the reason. She is a testimony that God exists, and that He has a lot of trust in me as His daughter to raise her on this earth, during this time. I have learned to be strong for her during this year. I have learned patience and faith. When she looks at me, I know she trusts me completely, and loves me unconditionally. She doesn't know or care what mistakes I have made, or where I have been prior to a year ago. She only knows that I love her beyond description, that I will always be there for her, and that I will take care of her.
I feel confident in my ability to love her, to be there for her, and to take care of her. I feel she gives me motivation for being the real me. I don't believe I could ever be "weak" again. My only desire is to be with her and Josh forever, and anything that makes that goal seem farther away is simply not worth it. Here is a song by Martina Mcbride which explains exactly how I feel:

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see, She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light, and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe, In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand around my finger, oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer, I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light. It's in my daugter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave, maybe raise a family
When I'm gone, I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there, In my daughter's eyes

I'm thankful for Josh

I just wrote a post on Sunday, but I couldn't resist sitting down to express my gratitude for my husband, Josh, on Veteran's Day! I actually just got off the phone with him a few minutes ago, and he mentioned that his base had come under mortar attacks yesterday. Thankfully he is ok. When I hear news like that it feels very surreal. I am not the type of person to worry; I have faith that he will be protected. Our family life has just begun, and we have much to look forward to in the future!
Rather than dwell on the attack, I'd like to instead express my thanks for him and his service to our country. There are so many things I admire and love about Josh, and his military service has always been close to the top of the list. Here's an actual list of reasons I love him, reasons I married him, and reasons I had a baby with him :)

*I love hearing about everything he is doing in the military; it is all very manly and courageous, which is probably why it cranks up his good looks even more :)
*When I met Josh I was surprised with how nice and personable he was. We were on the same team at Discover Card and he was friends with everyone on the team--no matter who he sat by on any given day, he'd find something in common with them.
*He is a great listener, and lets me talk his ear off in the car and on the phone. I often find myself saying, "Sorry I just rambled on and on and on!" He'll just say, "That's why I called." Awwww sweet.
*He is active and loves the outdoors. I can't tell you how nice it is to have someone to hike with! We both love the mountains in Utah. And we both appreciate a good sweat session!
*He loves to read about a variety of different subjects. I was an English major, and it's wonderful being able to speak to someone who has an appreciation for books.
*He is a gentleman. He always opens my door for me and pumps my gas; he calls me during the day from work just to say he's thinking of me; he always makes me wear my seat belt; he buys me romantic birthday and Valentine gifts; he offered to take the night shift with Annabelle so I could sleep; he never holds back the kisses, and he pulls the chair out for me at restaurants! Even after dating for two years, I don't think I ever picked up the bill (except on our "Super Secret Date" I planned when he was on leave from Iraq).
*He supports me in my personal life. If I want to stay at home with Annabelle, he says I can quit teaching dance at any time. If I want to continue teaching, he supports me, fills me with confidence, and says, "I know they love you over there, but remember I love you more."
*He is a very private person--not to be confused with shyness. He is not shy. Like I mentioned earlier, he'll talk to anyone and everyone. But he retains a certain mystery about him. We have been married over two years, and have known each other for about seven. I am still learning new things about him!
*He knows how to cook! He comes from a family of cooking masters. Anyone who knows me knows I don't cook. The desire is slowly making its way to the surface, but I'm sure once Josh gets home and I'm reminded of all the things he can't eat, it'll quickly go back into hiding :)
*He is AMAZING with babies! I can actually remember the day I saw him hold a baby for the first time; I had never seen a man hold a baby like that! When we had Annabelle, he was overcome with emotion and wouldn't let her out of his arms. Both of our families were standing in the hospital room waiting for a turn to hold her, but he was not going to give her up. I remember talking to him the next morning. I said, "Josh, people are here to see and hold Annabelle. You need to let other people have a turn!" He was oblivious: "Am I being a baby hog?" He totally didn't even realize it :)
*He is kind and respectful to my family. I never had any doubts they would get along well, but it is still something I'll always love about him. I love that he seems to genuinely care about their lives.
*He is a great leader. This month Josh's Team Leader was re-stationed to a different part of Afghanistan. Josh is taking his place, and will lead 9 men. I know he will do well. I have already heard the men are excited about the change.
*He is smokin' hot! I am especially smitten with his height, hands, biceps, triceps, cheek bones and jawline :) And his eyes are captivating as well.
*He talks to himself in the car. He doesn't do it out loud, but when he is having a "conversation" in his head, he sometimes gives himself away by making a hand gesture and/or head nod. I die laughing each time this happens! I LOVE it!
Well, I could go on and on all day. I am so glad I married him, and that he is Annabelle's father. I know how much he loves her, and how much he can't wait to be here with her. He and I broke up once during the dating years, and I am so thankful he came back to me! There have been two times I've had to take Josh to the hospital for random things, and both times I was struck by how much I love him. Seeing the man I love, lying on a hospital bed, not seeming like himself was really hard. I would absolutely die if I ever lost him...which is why I don't ponder those types of thoughts during this deployment. I will love him forever, and I only look forward to happier times ahead. We have so much growing to do together, so much to look forward to as a family. I can't imagine going through it with anyone else! I love you Joshua Shane. Happy Veteran's Day, and thank you for your service to this country!

Thinking Ahead

I am so excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas! I absolutely love this time of year--everything feels a little more exciting. This past weekend I had FM 100 playing each time I was in the car; they have Christmas playing 24/7, and I love it! I also did a little shopping, and found an AMAZING sale at Robert's! I wanted some Fall decorations, and when I went there to see what they had, they were having a HUGE sale--75% off all Fall decor! I loaded up 2 carts, spending between 2 and 4 dollars per item. I spent a total of $35, which gave me enough decorations for my kitchen and front room! I love finding sales! On a side note, I also went to Linens-n-things for their "Going out of Business Blowout Sale"--20% off is NOT a blowout sale people! Needless to say, I did not pull out the debit card for them!
Lately I've been feeling more domestic. Perhaps it's because Annabelle is getting older, and I am so excited to do fun things with her, as well as make fun things for her and for our home. I didn't think I'd ever be the type of mom who "made" things; one of my favorite phrases is "Why make it when you can buy it already made?" Well, I think I understand that making things makes it more personal and more original. I enjoyed making Trick-or-treat buckets for Annabelle and Paige; this past weekend I spent a really nice night with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law doing crafts (I painted a shelf for Annabelle's room), and my mom taught me how to make homemade potpourri on the stove. My next project is going to be making favors for Thanksgiving dinner. I want to make something cute for each place setting. We'll see what I can come up with...Hey maybe if I make the favors I won't have to bring a food assignment!!
I love Thanksgiving! I love hanging out with family and having absolutely nowhere to be. I am so excited to experience this with Annabelle as well; last year we spent Thanksgiving weekend at a cabin in Oakley with Josh's family. It was really relaxing, but Annabelle was so little, and she still had colic. I know she'll get into it more this year--she already LOVES the decorations around the house. Let's hope she's as excited about the food! I think it's promising.
I've decided I'm going to write about something I'm thankful for each time I make an entry this month. Lately I've been feeling so grateful for my close bond with Annabelle. She and I have been through a lot together this year, and I am humbled by the amount of faith and trust she has in me. She has been there to make me smile and laugh. I love her beyond description. I worry about having more children; I know I shouldn't, but I do. I worry I will always feel closer to her, or that I will share a tighter bond with her because of what we've experienced. She and I will have spent a year alone together, and I won't have that with my future babies. How could I possibly feel as close to them as I do now with Annabelle. My mom says mothers always feel this way with their 1st baby, but when the 2nd baby comes, you always love them just as much because there isn't a limit on love--we don't have a limited amount of love to divide among those we love. I'm not worried I won't love them as much as Annabelle; I just know that my relationship with Annabelle has been formed in circumstances that won't be re-created in the future, which leads me to believe it's not possible to re-create this closeness and interdependence. I'm sure I'm wrong :) I'm so thankful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with her; she is perfect for me, and has given me everything I've needed in order to grow. Because of her I have re-found myself, and I have never been happier with my life. I am sure my husband will tell you the same thing--babies change lives for the better!!

A trip to the mall

Do you remember what it's like to go to the mall without children? I remember going to the mall alone in early August--the night before Josh came home for leave--to pick up a few cute outfits. It's so rare that I actually get the opportunity to go out with my husband, as well as wear anything but loungewear and dance attire, so I wanted to look and feel cute again! I had a spring in my step, walking from store to store, carrying only my purse and purchases. I waited in lines for 10 minutes without feeling my blood pressure and body temperature rise--Annabelle would've been a fussy gussy for sure, and I probably would've re-racked the items and left. It was so nice to be able to browse without being in a rush, to try something on and look at it from a few different angles before making a decision, to actually fit in the dressing room and have extra space for a sit-down test and a couple of spins. Having a baby and/or stroller in the dressing room with you makes for extremely tight quarters! I actually spent so much time in the dressing room that night, the employees had coordinating shirts, shoes and pants flopping over my door at record speeds--suggestions for completing the look. That hasn't happened to me in over a year! Usually they can't even catch up with me to say, "Can I help you find anything?" If they would stop asking me at the register if I want to save 10% by opening up their credit card, I'd be even quicker! As I was leaving the mall that night, I stopped at Mrs. Field's and bought my favorite cookie and a chocolate milk. I always buy a snack at the end because I've finished trying on clothes :)

Today I took a wonderful trip to the mall with my mom, Brittany, Paige, Daisy and Annabelle. Our first stop was the Food Court. We all had some lunch--a full meal right off the bat! That was immediately followed by a ride on the merry-go-round. Annabelle and Paige loved it!
Because Annabelle had a recent growth spurt, I had to get her some new shoes, so it was down to Payless. Then I decided to stop into Kiddie Kandids for a quick sitting (she looked so cute I couldn't resist). I don't think I'll go there anymore. Why do they insist on shoving multi-colored feather dusters in their faces. Annabelle didn't respond very well to that tactic, or the deafening sqeaky duck either, but she pulled off three decent shots. From there it was down to the "playground" where Paige and Annabelle ran around and played. And that was our day!

It was definitely different from my mall visit in August, but it was so much better. I got to spend time with people I love, and I was there to care for Annabelle and listen to her say "Alright!" for the 30th time in 2 days! :) On our way home she became fussy (she hadn't had a nap and we were approaching the dinner time deadline). We still had a ways to go before reaching home, so I began to sing to her. She immediately stopped crying, so I kept singing. After 5 minutes I looked back, and she was sound asleep. I got misty-eyed and felt so much gratitude. I am so thankful I have her in my life. I am so grateful she loves me, and is comforted by me. It gives me faith in my ability as her mother. At times I rack my brain trying to figure out everything she needs in order to thrive, in order to be happy and well-behaved. Today on our ride home I was reminded that what babies needs most is tenderness, love, and care--the priceless gifts their mothers provide by simply being there. I love her.

PS: Enjoy the pics from Halloween--I actually made trick-or-treat buckets for Annabelle and Paige this year. My sis-in-law, Nikki, taught me :)

What a difference!

In my previous post--Tag--I mentioned that it bugged me to get up before 8am. I didn't think much of it until today, when I thought to myself, "Wow! Does that really say 8am?!" That's AMAZING! Why? Let me rewind my life a bit and let you in on a little secret--Robyn before Annabelle.
Let's go back to any given Monday prior to 5 September 2007. I never woke up to an alarm--there was never a need. I would roll over and look at the clock: "9:00 am?! Thank goodness I have another hour!" Then I would drift in and out of wonderful sleep until about 10 am, at which time I would eat a yogurt, get dressed, and head to the gym at 11. It was fantastic working out at 11: fewer people, semi-entertaining TV playing above the treadmill for my viewing pleasure, exercising alongside stay-at-home moms rather than attention-seeking singles who strut their stuff to the drinking fountain between each set in order to a) look at themselves in the mirror or b) look at someone else in the mirror. It was ideal. I would head home between 12 and 12:30 to eat lunch: A frozen Lean Cuisine meal from the freezer. I love having a hot and nutritious lunch ready in 3-5 minutes! From there I would shower, curl my hair to perfection, apply my make-up, and make my way to the closet where I would choose from an assortment of dress pants and cute shirts, purchased from Express and Dillards to name a few. Throw on some 3-inch high-heeled boots and I'm out the door to Discover Card! Most days I would make it on time by 2. Other days, when I'd drift in and out of sleep until 11, I'd report for collections duty at 3. Such felxibility! I'd begin my day by a) heading to the cafeteria to get some water b) checking my email and c) checking my stats (in my defense, I was fairly competitive and wanted to peform well). I would take calls for a few hours, while simultaneously catching up with co-workers. Then when 6:30 or 7 came around, it was time for some good reading--Bring out the US Weekly, In Touch and Life and Style! Catching up on celeb gossip while negotiating with people who tell me, "You can't get blood from a turnip," was something I managed quite successfully: "Well sir, we here at Discover Card didn't issue a credit card to a turnip." Flip, flip, flip through the pages of my chosen mag. After work I'd head home, watch some TV while Josh studied, and go to bed around 11 or 12. I spent many days just like this one--2 years to be exact! Josh would tell you days like these will suck the soul right out of you :) I may have allowed a bit of that to happen.
Now here I am. This morning I woke up at 7:49am. I made my way into Annabelle's room. She was standing up in her crib, eager for me to come in and begin our day. I change her stinky diaper without a problem, but when I have to get something out of her nose I nearly vomit--How much sense does that make? I feed her a chocolate chip Eggo waffle, and rather than a yogurt I simply finish what she doesn't eat. We play around in our PJ's, read some books, and put the llama, bunny and chicken back into their stable at least a dozen times. Then she naps and I make an attempt to be social--getting onto Facebook and Blogger to check for updates :) I decide since we're not heading out into real civilization today, there's no need for curls and lip gloss, not to mention the 3-inch heels! My Pants and shirts from Express still hang in the closet, but I reach for the drawers instead, and lift out my Barq's Root Beer Tee I bought for $18 at the Coke store. At least if I get berry applesauce on this I'm not out $50, right?! The remainder of my day is filled with cleaning, pushing the stroller outside for exercise, diaper changing, playing at the playground, reading, and actually enjoying quiet time with Annabelle. I haven't bought a supermarket tabloid in months, and the three magazines sitting atop my ottoman are "Woman's Day," "Experience Life," and "Martha Stewart Holiday."
What a difference! I feel so different from the person I was 2 years ago. I feel that I now understand what is truly important, and why. I always knew it, trust me. But I wasn't living as though I knew it. I wouldn't trade my Root Beer Tee for my 95% silk, ivory babydoll in a million years. I love being with my daughter. I love the feeling of having really hard days because I know that growth can come from that. It is better than having 104 pretty good days, where my only trial is getting an elderly woman on a fixed income to pay her monthly minimum. It's challenging that's for sure, but it doesn't make me a better person and better prepared for life in the hereafter. And with everything there is to do, you better get up by 8am or you're going to run out of time and get your soul sucked right out of you! :)

Tag!

Thanks for the tag Britny--Here you go!

10 Things that bug me...
1:Clothes being removed from the dryer and thrown into a basket without being folded! I'll wash them all over again if it happens--true story!
2:Car problems, including but not limited to: changing the oil, getting gas, checking tire pressure, having conversations with mechanics, etc. Yuck!
3:Cynicism.
4:Bad grammar. Sorry, I majored in English :)
5:The 30-minute commute to Lifetime Fitness.
6:Waking up before 8am.
7:Little kids with runny noses in dance class (I spend half the time getting tissue for them so it won't drip on the dance floor)!
8:The fact that my house gets messy within 1 hour of cleaning it.
9:Attempts to alter the Constitution
10:Ignorance

10 things that make me happy...
1:Joshua Shane and Annabelle Alyse
2:My mom and the rest of my entire family (in-laws included)! My mom just gets a special mention because you won't find a better mom in the world!
3:Laughing and spending time with my friends.
4:Exercising.
5:Writing.
6:Doing things that make me feel like a good mom: praying with Annabelle, reading to her, taking her on walks, taking her to different places and sights, giving her opportunities to play with other kids, etc.
7:Reading. I love reading stories and experiences of mothers. I love reading about the gospel. I love reading classic literature.
8:Living the gospel and being a good example to my daughter.
9:Teaching children's dance.
10:Dancing.

I tag Lisha, Brittany, Amy and Sarah

Sundays...as a mother

This past Sunday was extremely difficult! Annabelle is very energetic, and loves to be on the move! Furthermore she's about as speedy as they come--I've actually had complete strangers make comments to me about her quickness and efficiency in crawling. Lately this has presented quite the challenge at church. I am sure every mom has been through this and understands to a certain extent, but I swear I felt every ounce of strength and composure oozing out of me, second by second.

As mentioned earlier, I have been having car issues. Therefore we didn't have a car available on Sunday, which was fine because it's not a long walk and the weather was beautiful! Not a long walk? Right. Have you ever been standing on the strip in Vegas, and said to yourself, "Oh that hotel is just right there, just up the street. Let's walk"? Well if you have, you understand that though the sign of the hotel appears to be very close, it's not--it takes forever and the reason it seems to take forever is probably because they make the signs REALLY huge...so it looks like it's right there. I think the same principle applies to my church. Granted there's not a huge sign, but there is a steeple, and there are not a lot of obstructions to block that steeple...hence, it looks like it's right there. Well, as I'm sure you've already guessed, I severely underestimated my travel time. I also wore high-heeled boots! Yes...I arrived 35 minutes late with blisters. But hey, I still have nothing on the pioneers, so I wasn't too upset.

However Annabelle made it through only 5 minutes of Sacrament before I had to take her out kicking and screaming. I decided it's not a good idea to reward her behavior by letting her down in the foyer to play, so I kept her on my lap. I have previously tried toys, books, food, drinks, etc. Bottom line: She wants to be on the move. It took all the physical strength I had to keep her there--my biceps, abs and lower back were sore the next day, no lie! It took all the emotional strength I had--enforcing a rule in a public place, and wondering what people are thinking is a bit intimidating and difficult. It took all the mental strength I had--how many times have you thought to yourself if what you're doing, if the direction you're going with your child is the right one? I started wondering why I had even decided to come. I wasn't hearing anything; I was exhausting myself; Annabelle wasn't getting anything from it, other than frustration; I didn't want her associating bad feelings with church. AHHHHH! I was at a breaking point, water works seconds away.

The only part of the meeting I managed to hear was a song: How Firm a Foundation. It was all I needed to hear that day, and somehow I heard it: "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand." I ended up having to leave church early--Annabelle went into full-blown tantrum mode in the beginning of RS. But as we were walking home, I repeated this song over and over in my head. It prevented me from going into full-blown tantrum mode myself!

Being a mother has its good days and challenging days--we all know they're never bad, right?! At times I find myself wishing she could be in nursery, so I could enjoy RS again. But then I realize that the older Annabelle gets, the more she will move and grow farther away from me, and I can't even stand the thought! How is it possible to feel two different ways simultaneously--Not wanting to let them go, not wanting them to feel pain, or to be under someone else's influence, yet wanting them to grow in independence, strength and wisdom? Talk about opposite ends of the emotional totem pole! So, as I was about ready to bawl my eyes out because of how overwhelming she felt to me that day, so too will I be ready to bawl my eyes out when she has to leave me, and go into nursery. I have only 4 1/2 mos. left with my baby before she goes! How can I make each day and each Sunday something to cherish because it's coming to a screeching halt so quickly? How can I do better than I did last Sunday? I was reading a book called, "The Mom's Club Diaries." Allyson Condie writes, "There's only one thing to be done. It's called Second Prayer...That's when I get back out of bed again and pray again, a second time, asking for help to do better the next day, to have more faith, to trust more that all of this is going to turn out beautifully someday. More patience, more faith, more trust...And blessedly, there is someone there who is willing to listen to Second, Third, and Hudredth Prayers, all through the years, and who has thought this through, every step of it." Sometimes one prayer each night just isn't enough.

Boom...Incoming!

Last week Josh was sent on a mission. He arrived at a small base to spend the night, and by small I mean bunk beds and frozen food for meals! That's right, no Chow Hall! Josh and a few other men were outside when they heard a humming, followed by a BOOM! One man looked at Josh: "Incoming or outgoing?" Josh's reply? "Definitely incoming!" They began making their way to their equipment, when they again heard a humming, followed by a BOOM! This time it was closer. Josh rushed to put on his vest when he heard AND felt the humming, followed by a BOOM, and the ground shaking beneath him. They were being attacked by mortars! Josh explains it like this: "We didn't take it lying down! Well only at first to avoid shrapnel." :)

Within minutes the American soldiers began firing back. Josh couldn't see anything, but went to a location where he could see which direction the others were firing. Then he began firing as well. During the chaos, the sniper ran out of ammo, and Josh rushed to the tower to re-supply him. Josh described the machine gun as Extremely loud! Our American soldiers fought off the the bad guys with over 3000 rounds! To finish it off, a 500 lb. bomb was dropped--courtesy of an F-18. Yeah for the RED, WHITE AND BLUE!!! Thank you Josh--YOU are my American hero. I couldn't be more proud of your actions and your courage. I am honored and blessed to be married to such a wonderful MAN! Hoo-ah!

If you can even believe this, Josh went inside and hit the sack--fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow! He said he felt completely exhausted in every way. Still...if it were me, I'd be sitting up straight, listening for any and all noises, and firing my weapon on every spider, mouse, and alarm clock in the building :) It actually shouldn't surprise me that he fell asleep so quickly; there have been many nights when I have talked to myself in bed because he can't stay awake once he lies down! :)

The following morning they loaded up the HUMVEES and began their mission, only to discover the HUMVEES were too large to make it through the narrow, rocky terrain. In order to keep the antennas free from interference, Josh was using an axe to cut down branches and trees along the way! I told Josh: "Wow! You are twice the man you were four days ago!" His reply? "No Robyn, I am three times the man I was four days ago!" :)

Josh and I were so blessed this past week. We were both watched over and protected by our Heavenly Father. I am so grateful to have Josh as my husband. He is Amazing--a great source of strength and courage for me and for Annabelle. He is fighting every day for our freedom, for everything our country stands for. Many people tell me they don't know how I do it. I admit it is challenging and testing. But I have grown to love Josh more because of his selfless sacrifice for this country, for me, and for our daughter. To hear and learn of his bravery and dedication during life-threatening circumstances fills me with love, admiration and pride for the man I chose to marry. Deployment introduces you to aspects of your spouse's personality and character that you probably wouldn't have known otherwise. Josh is a stronger man, husband and father for being there. I am a stronger woman, wife and mother for being here. We are a stronger family because of our commitment to this great nation and our commitment to each other. It is a fight, but a fight worth fighting--and winning!

Close Calls

What a week!

My Car has been having issues for a while now, but I've been dreading getting it fixed. Nothing gets me more frustrated and stressed out than car problems, especially when my husband is gone and unable to deal with them for me :) On my way home from dance on Monday afternoon I was driving along SR-73 going 65 mph--the speed limit. I was approaching an intersection and the light had turned red. Two cars in front of me slowed to a stop, and as I pushed on my brakes to do the same, nothing happened--NOTHING! I slammed down on the brakes twice more and still nothing. In order to avoid slamming into them, I had to swerve into the oncoming traffic lane, run the red light, swerve back to the correct side of the road, and then coast to a stop. Miraculously there wasn't anyone in the oncoming lane and I made it through the red light without hitting anyone. Even more miraculously I didn't have Annabelle with me, and she was safe and sound with my mom at my house. After finally stopping I jogged back to the intersection, called my mom, then jogged to try and meet her halfway. AHHHHH! So scary!
Luckily I have a 2nd car because Josh is gone! However it's not insured or registered. I called and had it insured, then went to get it inspected and it FAILED! I headed to the Nissan dealership and what do you know? Not only is some crazy valve needing a replacement, but the brakes were just about ready to go! Two broken cars needing massive repairs! Just my luck, right? Actually I've had amazingly great luck, a.k.a blessings, throughout this whole ordeal!
1: I didn't have Annabelle with me!
2: I had a feeling I should wear my Skechers instead of my flip-flops to dance that day. Thankfully I was able to jog the distance from my car to the gas station, and from the gas station to my mom without difficulty.
3: Because I was coming from dance class, I was already warmed-up for a jog.
4: It happened on a Monday when my mom was with Annabelle and able to help (Tuesdays and Thursdays Annabelle is with a neighbor).
5: It happened during the day, rather than night!
6: It didn't happen at the previous intersection, which would've undoubtedly ended in an accident. For you locals I'm talking about the intersection with Smith's and Walgreen's. Phew!
7: Brittany was still in the hospital with Daisy, which freed-up my mom to watch Annabelle while I took the Maxima to get inspected and to the dealership (Brittany had a c-section, and my mom will need to be with her every day for 2 weeks...starting today, NOT Monday).
8: My brother-in-law, Brad, has towing equipment, AND had the night off!
9: My dad was in town (he's usually out of town 3 days out of the week).
10: I ended up needing a ride back to my mom's from the dealership, and Josh's mom was working 5 minutes away, and immediately left to come get me.
11: It's UEA this week, and therefore I have an entire week off from dance. Because I don't have anwhere I "need" to be, I now have the freedom and the time to get the car repairs done.
12: Josh and I have saved for a rainy day, and I have the money I need to get this taken care of.
13: Because of my mad negotiation skills and assertiveness (learned and perfected while working as a collector in the Charge-off dept. of Discover Card), I negotiated the mechanic from $968 down to $390! I'm still pretty amazed I have to admit. It took 2 days and 3 phone calls, all lasting at least 20 minutes, in order to achieve this feat! I'll not be ripped off :)
14: I have an AMAZING family and ward friends offering to help wherever they can. Thank you so much mom, Brad, Dad, and mom Bos! And thanks Brittany for giving up mom for a couple of days when she could've been at the hospital holding and feeding cute little Daisy! I am surrounded by the most selfless people you'll ever meet.
14: Thank you to my Heavenly Father for watching over and protecting me and Annabelle this week.
15: Thank you to my Heavenly Father for watching over and protecting Josh this week! While we were fighting our battle here, Josh was fighting quite a different battle in Afghanistan. More to come...

This week...and Daisy Kay!!

Brittany had her baby yesterday--Daisy Kay Simpson! She is absolutely adorable. I love her so much already. I am amazed how mellow she is. Paige was also very mellow. Annabelle was NOT mellow; in fact, within seconds of being born she looked like a tomato head and was screaming like an ol' steam engine. That was followed up with a four-month bout with colic. I know fussy babies like the back of my hand, I promise! My grandma remarked today: "She's so lively!" Yes! That's a perfect description! Of course I wouldn't have it any other way, and I love her to pieces! However I was certain Brittany would get a dose of "fussy" in this baby, and would therefore gain a little understanding of my experiences and emotions. But alas! Little Daisy is sleeping throughout the entire day! She fusses a little when getting a diaper change, but by fussing I mean three little squeals and she's out cold again :)

As Daisy's arrival was nearing, I started thinking about babies, and wanted to write a poem about some of my feelings regarding motherhood. I'll post it here...please don't copy or borrow without permission of course :)

In You

As we’re rocking I look into your eyes.
You smile. I smile.
I see in them your perfect trust, your faith in my care.
In them I see the woman I want to be.

As we’re talking I hear your voice.
You speak. I speak.
I hear through your voice curiosity, confidence, knowledge and humor.
In it I hear the purity I’d like to regain.

As we’re laughing I sense your joy.
You laugh. I laugh.
I sense through your joy happiness, well-being and fullness of the heart.
In it I sense that you are my joy, my source for becoming the pure woman I want to be.

In you I know perfection, fulfillment, transcendence.
In you I glimpse eternity.

--Robyn Elyse Bos--

This week was wonderful! I am feeling so happy and fulfilled. My dance classes are coming along, and this week I was able to finish teaching all five of my classes their choreography for the Christmas show--The Little Match Girl. Now I have the remainder of the time to focus on the details of each piece, making sure they are able to remember the dance and perform it with emotion, confidence and perfection (Yes I have the highest of high expectations) :) My Thursday class (3 and 4 yr. olds) is amazing! I was brought to tears last week while I was dancing with them. I can't explain it in words, but heaven on earth, joy, perfect innocence and love all come to mind. I am truly beginning to love them. I will post pictures soon!

Another moment that touched my heart this week occurred while I was reading one afternoon. I have been reading a book titled "The Best of Women's Conference," and I try to read one talk each day. I was reading "The Savior: An Example to Everyone" by Karen Lynn Davidson. She explained four things a woman will do if she accepts the Savior as her example. I will post them here because I feel all women can gain knowledge and instruction from her words:

1--She will, when she sees in the world a need for service or expertise, train for that service and then make the finest possible contribution as a professional or volunteer within the context of her other responsibilities.

2--She will accept His teachings concerning individual worth and dignity. She will see herself as a unique person, not subject to someone else's idea of the role she should play. She will find what is right for her and allow other women the same flexibility.

3--She will not accept the world's false limitations, the handcuffs that printed materials or broadcast materials would place upon her.

4--She will seek principally for His approbation and validation. She will not let her happiness or feeling of self worth depend on other human beings whose vision may be helpful on the one hand, but whose vision possibly may be limited, on the other hand, by...pervasive false influences.

She states, "To know that we are daughters of our Father in heaven should give us a tremendous sense of joy but also a tremendous sense of responsibility. I hope we can say to ourselves, "I am a daughter of my Father in heaven. As his daughter, I know that I am important because I am me. I know I am capable of great growth, capable of significant service. I will not cancel myself in any way by yielding to false influences that tell me that I am...a being of lesser worth or lesser ability. I know that the Savior's examples and teachings we to all people. I will please my Father in heaven by taking his daughters seriously."

I took this to heart. I think so many of us can do more to help build the kingdom of God on earth. It doesn't have to be limited to completing our VT, cooking dinner for a neighbor, etc. We all have talents and gifts from God that need to be put to use! I believe if we pray to Heavenly Father and ask for his guidance and direction, He will lead us to people and places that need what we, as individuals, can offer.

In closing...I'd like to say a big Hello and Thanks to Victor Vonde--one of the many men fighting alongside Josh in Afghanistan. Lots of Love from Robyn and Annabelle! I've yet to see anyone else pose with a gun so well! :)

Teaching Dance and Dancing!

I LOVE to dance! I LOVE teaching dance! I have been "out of dance" for a few years, and I honestly believed myself when I said I'd never set foot in a studio again. Why? It's a long story full of insecurities, self-serving teachers, and high peaks followed by low valleys. I can remember the day I quit--the feeling that a load of bricks was unloaded off my chest! Was it the wrong decision? Yes and no. I still believe I made the right decision to change my major--that's a no-brainer! I still believe I was ready to be done dancing at BYU--that too is a no-brainer! But was I ready to stop being a dancer? Probably not.
This past August I saw an ad in the local newspaper: "Creative Dance Teacher Needed." I missed dancing. I still felt like a part of me wanted to be connected to it all again. After all, I had danced for 15 years of my life! No wonder it still felt like a nagging part of me--"Hey! Listen to us! We're your dancing genes and we're rotting in here! Use us or lose us!" I knew when I saw the ad that if I was ever going to dance again this would be the perfect opportunity, especially given my long hiatus. I had been educated in modern dance, trained in modern dance, and I had assisted with BYU's creative dance program. I loved teaching the younger kids, and I knew I could still skip, jump, gallop, leap and slide like a seasoned pro, regardless of my hiatus! :) I made the call and the rest is history. I am now over the children's creative program and I am also substitute teaching a modern technique class while the instructor is on maternity leave. With hard work comes more work, right? Well it hardly feels like work (except when I'm planning lessons of course). But that is a small price to pay for the joy I feel when I go to class and dance with those beautiful, loving, innocent, and energetic children. I don't think anything can prepare you for the love you begin to develop for those you teach...or for those you serve for that matter. It is amazing.
...Which brings me to my current ponderment (yes that is a word): What can I do as a teacher to lift, inspire, and instruct in a lasting way? I don't want to simply teach skills and routines; I want to teach life and emotion and love and respect. I want to be an influence for good in their lives. Today I took a trip down memory lane and recalled a few of my favorite teachers. I tried to figure out what it was they did to permanently ensconce themselves in my mind and heart. Here's the little list of souvenirs I brought back from my "trip:"
Mr. Larson: 2nd grade. He taught me I should always hold on to my work until the report card was handed out! "Robyn, can I talk to you? I show here you've missed 10 assignments!" "What?!" I replied through crying eyes. "I have done all my assignments. I have them all in my backpack!" So I led him over to my navy blue "Marker" backback my dad got for me at the office, and I pulled them out one by one. Since then, I have kept everything handy until the grades are out!
Mrs. Westwood: 3rd grade. She taught me imagination and encouraged my naivete. "Our class will be taking a trip around the world!" She was taking us on "a trip around the world" to learn about different countries. I am sure you can picture the devastation that was my face when I showed up to school on "the day," and handed my passport to Mrs. Westwood at a makeshift gate in the hall. I'm pretty sure I even made it a point to bring some sunglasses! Mrs. Westwood also worked with me one-on-one in order to teach me to write left-handed, without turning my hand upside down :)
Mr. Burgoyne: 5th grade. He taught me to laugh at myself and not take things too seriously. Everyday I wore a red bow in my hair--I loved it! He nicknamed me "Robyn Red Bow," and for some reason it was endearing and affectionate...and I liked it.
Mrs. Springer: 9th grade. She taught me about Shakespeare!
Stacey Prince: Minerette instructor. She rose above cruelty, and because of her example I was able to rise above it as well. She taught me strength, poise, confidence, dedication, and perseverance.
Mrs. Bird: 10th grade English. She begged me to enroll in Honors English, believed in my abilities. I did not take her advice because "I didn't want the extra homework." I should've listened to her.
Jennifer Allen: Dance Company instructor. She taught me to believe in my abilities, and she saw my potential. She always rewarded hard work and dedication. She gave me freedom choreographically, and trusted my dedication to the company.
Mel Claridge: CDT director. Mel gave me a wake-up call! Because of Mel I actually began trying to dance better. He expected more from me than I had at the time, which led me to new places. He challenged me with his choreography. He inspired me with his music choices. He befriended me and everyone in our company in a lonely, big, college atmosphere. He showed me every day that he loved dancing. He gave me a spot on CDT, and then made me work to keep that spot. He taught me that things happen for a reason, even though that reason might not be favorable or understandable at the time. He taught me courage and forgiveness. He taught me to look inside myself, to question why I made the choices I did regarding dance. My fondest memories of dance can all be traced back to Mel, and to my CDT experience. Ironically, this was the time in my life when nothing (it seems) came easy, when I felt I was continuously fighting for something, and when I was called on to prove myself and my abilities. I could have allowed that to defeat me, to give up. But I didn't and I am grateful for those lessons.
Now for the request: I would love to hear about teachers you've had who made a lasting impact for good in your lives (I know we all have a few). Help me learn how to become a better teacher! Thanks!! :)

Smells

I can remember the smell of Josh's cologne vividly! Why so vividly, you ask? Well (no offense baby) but he is prone to push the squirt button one too many times when getting ready for the day! It takes me back to the long, miserable, hot and heavy days of pregnancy. I say hot and heavy in the literal context of course! :) Every morning I would wake to the strong smell of Giorgio Armani's Acqua Di Gio. Better than bacon? Not exactly. One morning, during a particularly bad wave of nausea, I decided it was time to nip this in the bud. "Keep the cologne in your car from now on! No more spraying in the house!" So like a good and faithful husband, respecting the crazy needs of his pregnant wife, he transferred all cologne bottles to the Maxima, giving even more credibility to its nickname--The Sexima (due to its unnecessarily pimped-out interior and fancy rims, NOT because of activities inside)!
As I was getting ready to teach dance this morning, Annabelle was busying herself in my closet. She loves hanging out in my room with me as I'm getting ready! She picks up the shoes one by one, shows them to me, and comments on what she likes. She is especially drawn to anything with sequins! This morning she ventured over to Josh's side of the closet. Soon enough she found the Acqua Di Gio and his smell was permeating throughout the entire house, just like old times :)
Only this time my reaction was quite different! I picked her up, gave her a big kiss and told her thank you for bringing daddy's presence back into our house today. It was wonderful and made me miss him even more.
Aren't smells amazing? Their power! They can take us back to memories we didn't even know were hibernating in our minds. They can make us feel someone's presence, as if they were standing right next to us. I am so grateful Josh has a "scent!" And you might say I'm bringing sexy back from the Sexima and into the house where it belongs!

Heroes

Heroes put others ahead of themselves

Heroes defend those who cannot defend themselves

Heroes make the world a safer place

Heroes serve above reward

Heroes don't know they're heroes

--Author Unknown--

Thanks for being our hero Josh! We Love you!

Love, Robyn and Annabelle

Deployment

Josh left on February 26th of this year for a one-year deployment to Afghanistan. Luckily we are on the downhill side, and have only 5 months remaining! I remember the night Josh told me about this deployment: we were sitting in the living room of our one-bedroom apartment and I was pregnant. He said he had something to tell me, something that he wanted to keep between him and I until he knew more. I knew what was coming; these types of "announcements" don't really spring up on you. Rather, they seem to follow a process of hearsay, hypothetical, possible, probable, imminent. In other words, there had been rumors and talk. It's difficult to explain what I felt, and to be honest it was more of a joint feeling expressed between the two of us. I remember just looking at him, tears filling our eyes, and not saying anything because inside we both knew what the other was feeling, and at least for that night it didn't really need to be discussed at length. The news itself was enough for one night. At this time we didn't know exactly when he would leave. After some time the answers and details began emerging, and thankfully we learned he would not be leaving until Annabelle was five months old. This knowledge brought me peace.
The next few months are a blur. We closed on our home, moved, got everything in order, had a baby and then you know the rest--WHOOSH--the day of deployment was upon us! I do have to mention however that the month leading up to a deployment is tense. I'm sure my army wife friends can attest to this change in dynamics around the house. There is a lot to get done, much to prepare for (mentally, physically, emotionally, even spiritually) and it feels somewhat overwhelming. You know you're going to be separated for a long time and you try to begin preparing yourself for the day.
Josh, Annabelle and I arrived at the National Guard Air Base at about 6am. Both of our families were there to support him. We talked and visited with other soldiers and their families, and took pictures. What an amazing group of men and women--families included. What an honor to be a part of it all. I was so proud of Josh. The time of departure drew near and I felt the weight getting heavier and heavier, but I still attempted to push away the reality of what was happening. We all said our goodbyes and we even stayed to watch the plane take off. A row of officers lined up against the fence to salute them as they took off...an awesome sight!
I was ok. I had made it through the hardest part. Well not exactly! I vividly remember arriving home that afternoon. I got out of the car, got Annabelle out of her car seat, and as I walked to the door I felt like collapsing. I looked at my windows, and the reality of coming home alone with a baby--of coming home alone with a baby for the next 12 months hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried...and then Annabelle cried...and then we cried together pretty much the whole night. I kept apologizing to her for making her upset, and we prayed together in the rocker countless times. I know Heavenly Father was listening to us.
When I woke up the next morning I received an email from the army. It said something to the effect of, "All of us had a rough day and night yesterday, but today is a new day and the sun is shining." I opened all the blinds and the sun was shining. I felt peace; I knew I could get through this, and I knew that many women and children were going through the same thing. I took comfort in that. I realized I was not alone--I had Annabelle with me, I have an amazing family, Josh has an amazing family, and I have my Heavenly Father. What was there to complain about? Nothing. It was ok.
Annabelle and I are doing great. Josh is doing great. His team has been very successful in their missions and in their intel, even to the extent of receiving regional recognition and praise. We are living two different lives, but we are growing. I have learned so much about myself as a wife and a mother: my limits, my priorities and my parenting style to name a few. I have learned to take life one day at a time, to be grateful for the here and now, to wish for nothing more than what I have today. And what I have today is a lot of love, a family, a home, true friends, health, a beautiful baby and the knowledge that if everything ends today, life will still go on, and we'll still be just as happy.

"Wartime was full of sacrifices, fear, panic, pain, and hardships, but it was also a time of vivid memories, learning, and growth, because real learning often happens only in times of hardship." Jutta Baum Busche

Motherhood

This week felt a bit like life in the fast lane! Didn't I say I wanted to slow down? As my friend Kristine says, "life never really does slow down, does it?" It changes, but it doesn't slow down. Well, everyone who has a child understands just how quickly life can pass you by. One day they're coming home from the hospital, the next day they're turning one, eating chocolate and tearing the house apart! :) I wish I could stop time! I would stay here forever...assuming Josh could be here, of course.
When I was pregnant I don't remember ever being in a huge hurry to have Annabelle; I wasn't the typical "get this baby out of me now" mother-to-be...except at Brady's wedding when my huge, swollen feet forced me to walk down the aisle in flip-flops! :) Nevertheless I knew that as soon as she got here I'd be asking, "Why was I in such a rush?" However now that Annabelle is here, and has filled my life with such joy, I'm asking, "Why did I wait so long to enter this phase of life?" It's amazing, even with all of the ups and downs! With time speeding along and a growing baby in my house, I am feeling perhaps the strongest desire of all--wanting to be there for every second. I love seeing her face and hearing her "talk" first thing in the morning; I love sitting her on my lap to read, and seeing which books will top the favorites and which will be slammed shut without getting through one page; I love watching her throw things over and over again; I love watching her eat her dinner with her hands; I love all of her fake laughs during lunch; I love her loves and kisses (yes, even the slobbery ones); I love seeing her sleep with her little bum sticking straight up in the air, and I love how she makes me a better person, more aware of myself in every way.
So my question is what can I give her in return for all she gives me? Of course I can be there for her; I can feed her; I can read to her; I can play with her and talk to her. But more importantly I can be an example to her. With so much negativity in the world today, it seems a positive attitude is hard to find. While I was reading a talk this week by Jenene Wolsey Baadsgaard, a statement jumped out at me: "I am the only one who can give my children a mother who loves life, no matter what . . . Life as it really is--even not at its best--is downright amazing." I don't think we can underestimate the value of a positive attitude. It is something so simple, yet extremely powerful. Baadsgaard went on to tell a story about how she was seven months pregnant with her third child, and began bleeding during the night. She and her husband rushed to the hospital, only to find out their baby had died. She states, "Leaving the hospital that night with empty arms was one of the hardest things I've ever done. When we arrived home, we found our two baby daughters asleep on our bed. Now, I'd always loved my daughters but never quite as I did at that moment. 'Thank you God,' I whispered. 'They are alive. It is such a miracle to have a child who is alive.'" I was amazed she found something to be grateful for during such a tragic experience. She helped me remember to always focus on what is good and most important, even when it's hard, even when time is speeding along. I'll close with one more quote from her story. She says, "But in time my children...will not require my constant care, and our mutual growing season in my home will have passed all too quickly." I hope I can keep the message of this story with me this week, that I'll remember what a blessing it is to be a mother, to have a baby in my home, and to have the opportunity to be an influence for good in her life.

A New Direction

With the first six months of deployment now behind us, I feel like now is the perfect time to stop and reflect, head "A New Direction." The past six months have passed surprisingly quickly! I imagine that has everything to do with raising Annabelle and keeping busy, as opposed to having a member of our family out of the country in harm's way. I'm quite certain if Annabelle were not here, each day would feel unbearably long, and the past six months would have felt like a year! Yet another reason to be thankful for Annabelle :) She and I have had a lot of fun together: We have seen neat things together; we have been new places and old places together; we have shopped, played, ate, danced, sang, laughed, walked, prayed, and even cried together. Notice how I didn't say we've cooked together--I'm on a one-year hiatus! There's always time for that next year :) I have been getting accustomed to life as a single mom, learning simultaneously how strong and weak I am--amazed by both!
As I look back to the past six months I realize I've made some great memories, captured some great moments. When Josh returned to Afghanistan I felt down. I was sad of course, but it was more of a lull and lack of motivation, not looking forward to "getting back to normal life." Then I thought, "maybe life doesn't have to go back to 'normal' as I have known it the past six months." Perhaps it will head A New Direction. As I look ahead to the next six months I realize I'd like to make some great memories, capture some great moments, and I'd also like to slow down. Sure there are a few things I'd like to get done before Josh gets home, and of course I don't plan on stopping workouts, but most importantly I'd like to get back down to the basics. What does that mean? Well I'm still figuring it out, but I think it means more journaling, more time at home, more prayer, more books, more serving, and hopefully more growth as a woman and mother.
In other news: Annabelle turned 1! It's like the primary song says, "One year older and wiser too..." She's definitely a clever one! She loves to talk, and is progressing quite quickly with her language. She also loves to play "Fetch." She throws whatever object is nearest to her, and then crawls to it...only to throw it again. My personal favorite is when she accidentally throws it behind her and nervously looks straight up as though it's still in the air about to crash down on her. Very cute! She is currently in the 95th percentile for her height, and the 20th percentile for her weight. If any of you have been seeking evidence of Josh's DNA...there you go! :)