Sundays...as a mother

This past Sunday was extremely difficult! Annabelle is very energetic, and loves to be on the move! Furthermore she's about as speedy as they come--I've actually had complete strangers make comments to me about her quickness and efficiency in crawling. Lately this has presented quite the challenge at church. I am sure every mom has been through this and understands to a certain extent, but I swear I felt every ounce of strength and composure oozing out of me, second by second.

As mentioned earlier, I have been having car issues. Therefore we didn't have a car available on Sunday, which was fine because it's not a long walk and the weather was beautiful! Not a long walk? Right. Have you ever been standing on the strip in Vegas, and said to yourself, "Oh that hotel is just right there, just up the street. Let's walk"? Well if you have, you understand that though the sign of the hotel appears to be very close, it's not--it takes forever and the reason it seems to take forever is probably because they make the signs REALLY huge...so it looks like it's right there. I think the same principle applies to my church. Granted there's not a huge sign, but there is a steeple, and there are not a lot of obstructions to block that steeple...hence, it looks like it's right there. Well, as I'm sure you've already guessed, I severely underestimated my travel time. I also wore high-heeled boots! Yes...I arrived 35 minutes late with blisters. But hey, I still have nothing on the pioneers, so I wasn't too upset.

However Annabelle made it through only 5 minutes of Sacrament before I had to take her out kicking and screaming. I decided it's not a good idea to reward her behavior by letting her down in the foyer to play, so I kept her on my lap. I have previously tried toys, books, food, drinks, etc. Bottom line: She wants to be on the move. It took all the physical strength I had to keep her there--my biceps, abs and lower back were sore the next day, no lie! It took all the emotional strength I had--enforcing a rule in a public place, and wondering what people are thinking is a bit intimidating and difficult. It took all the mental strength I had--how many times have you thought to yourself if what you're doing, if the direction you're going with your child is the right one? I started wondering why I had even decided to come. I wasn't hearing anything; I was exhausting myself; Annabelle wasn't getting anything from it, other than frustration; I didn't want her associating bad feelings with church. AHHHHH! I was at a breaking point, water works seconds away.

The only part of the meeting I managed to hear was a song: How Firm a Foundation. It was all I needed to hear that day, and somehow I heard it: "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand." I ended up having to leave church early--Annabelle went into full-blown tantrum mode in the beginning of RS. But as we were walking home, I repeated this song over and over in my head. It prevented me from going into full-blown tantrum mode myself!

Being a mother has its good days and challenging days--we all know they're never bad, right?! At times I find myself wishing she could be in nursery, so I could enjoy RS again. But then I realize that the older Annabelle gets, the more she will move and grow farther away from me, and I can't even stand the thought! How is it possible to feel two different ways simultaneously--Not wanting to let them go, not wanting them to feel pain, or to be under someone else's influence, yet wanting them to grow in independence, strength and wisdom? Talk about opposite ends of the emotional totem pole! So, as I was about ready to bawl my eyes out because of how overwhelming she felt to me that day, so too will I be ready to bawl my eyes out when she has to leave me, and go into nursery. I have only 4 1/2 mos. left with my baby before she goes! How can I make each day and each Sunday something to cherish because it's coming to a screeching halt so quickly? How can I do better than I did last Sunday? I was reading a book called, "The Mom's Club Diaries." Allyson Condie writes, "There's only one thing to be done. It's called Second Prayer...That's when I get back out of bed again and pray again, a second time, asking for help to do better the next day, to have more faith, to trust more that all of this is going to turn out beautifully someday. More patience, more faith, more trust...And blessedly, there is someone there who is willing to listen to Second, Third, and Hudredth Prayers, all through the years, and who has thought this through, every step of it." Sometimes one prayer each night just isn't enough.