My Daughter

Annabelle Alyse was born 5 September 2007. She means the world to me! When she was born, I remember feeling overwhelmed and unfit. I think I had the Baby Blues during her first month; I just remember crying a lot and feeling like I didn't know what to do for her. She had colic, and seemed to get very little sleep. I lacked confidence in myself as her mother, and relied more on my mom and Josh to step in and help me out. I had big expectations of what I thought motherhood would be, and then here I was with a screaming baby, still in my pajamas at 3pm. When I think back to these first 4 months, it seems like forever ago, and at the same time feels like yesterday.
I eventually adjusted to my new life as a mom, and Annabelle eventually adusted to her new life as a thriving, happy baby. We made it through. I learned a lot in those first few months, yet the majority of my growth as a mother has come since Josh left for Afghanistan. In fact the majority of my growth as a wife and woman has come since Josh left for Afghanistan. It doesn't surprise me; I'm sure it doesn't surprise any of you. However I am most surprised by how much I have come to adore Annabelle, and how much I love who she is becoming.
She is beautiful and loving. When I go into her room in the morning I always ask her for loves before changing her diaper. She always complies, and even says, "Ohhhhhhhhhh." After breakfast we play and read books together. She will go through the book basket, tossing some aside and tossing her favorites on my lap. She loves books, especially books about animals! When she naps, she sleeps with her little bum straight in the air, or completely sprawled out with a blanket over her face. She loves the feeling of something soft on her face. I love to rock her! She smiles up at me, giggles a little, and then slowly calms down, cuddles a blanket up by her face and goes to sleep. I usually run my fingers through her hair, and when I stop she lifts up her hand and starts doing it herself :) She is always on the go, and LOVES to crawl--not walk. Her smile, laugh, and sense of humor are what really set her apart though. She has an infectious smile which involves squinty eyes and a wrinkled nose. It always brings a smile to my face. Since the day she was born, she has always walked her own path, and I am so grateful. Most importantly she has shown me true love in its purest form. There is nothing better on the face of the earth, I promise you.
This deployment has helped me in many ways, but I believe the most important thing I have gained is a true sense of self. Perhaps this came as a result of being a mother, but I'm not sure. I think I may have traveled a little off center the past few years without realizing it. I realize it now because I feel so different--better. I feel that my life has real purpose, and that I have the strength I need to be who I really am inside. I haven't been acting like someone else, but at times I feel I have lacked the strength to be all I can. Now I feel empowered by assistance from my Heavenly Father. I know now, more than ever, that He is there for me, and will help me be who He needs me to be. Have you ever sat down to read your Patriarchal Blessing and thought, "Wow, I blew it. I have made so many mistakes, and everything that was supposed to be mine is gone. I didn't become who I was supposed to." Well, I have. But I don't feel that way anymore, and I believe Annabelle is the reason. She is a testimony that God exists, and that He has a lot of trust in me as His daughter to raise her on this earth, during this time. I have learned to be strong for her during this year. I have learned patience and faith. When she looks at me, I know she trusts me completely, and loves me unconditionally. She doesn't know or care what mistakes I have made, or where I have been prior to a year ago. She only knows that I love her beyond description, that I will always be there for her, and that I will take care of her.
I feel confident in my ability to love her, to be there for her, and to take care of her. I feel she gives me motivation for being the real me. I don't believe I could ever be "weak" again. My only desire is to be with her and Josh forever, and anything that makes that goal seem farther away is simply not worth it. Here is a song by Martina Mcbride which explains exactly how I feel:

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see, She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light, and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe, In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand around my finger, oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer, I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light. It's in my daugter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave, maybe raise a family
When I'm gone, I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there, In my daughter's eyes