IN A RUT

I'm not quite sure why, but lately I'm in a rut. Maybe that's not the right word to describe what I'm feeling. I feel as though I need to start over and fresh with a few things, but don't quite know how to get up and running. January 1st is supposed to plant all that knowledge and desire into our bodies for us, but for some reason it came and went, leaving me feeling like December 31st--the night before everything is going to change and get better.

I'm doing really well; nothing in my life is crashing down or even depressing. I'm just at an in-between phase where things aren't as good as they have been, but aren't as bad as they have been either. So...I want to nip it all in the bud and head toward the good times before I continue on and inadvertantly run into the bad times. For example, I was really toned and in shape during Josh's leave. Every morning I'd get up and walk about 4 miles in the surrounding neighborhoods, and up in the hills. It was a GREAT workout, and I LOVED being outside! Then I'd come home and do some sit-ups and call it good. Now everything has softened up a bit. Plus I don't have a tan anymore! I don't think the weight gain has been large, but I'm at the point where if it doesn't start heading back the other way, I'm going to go up a size in like 5 days! :) The weather is freezing, and I really miss being able to use that as a workout. Getting to the gym, fitting it into Annabelle's schedule between naps and meals is challenging, and the times I have gone have been hard for her and I've gotten called down to the child center because she's crying. Josh bought me a few exercise DVD's for Christmas, along with some resistance bands, because I was complaining about not being able to exercise. So now...the goal is to use it, and make the most of it until I can get back outside and/or have consistency at the gym. Goal number 1: Use the DVD's and bands! After all, Josh is coming home real soon, I gotta look good!

I really want to organize my house, and decorate the office. But, I think I might need to get a storage unit because everytime I try to begin a cleaning/organizing project I just feel like I'm just moving things from one room to another, and not accomplishing ANYTHING! Then I feel defeated and give up. Goal number 2: Get everything boxed up, and take it to a storage unit! Then...buy a new desk and chair for the office!

Annabelle seems to be having difficulty napping. She is still on the 2-nap schedule, but I'm worried she's moving more toward the 1-nap schedule. Is it too early??? I need some input from all the mothers out there! She is 16 months old. When did you all ditch the 2nd nap? Plus she has only about 2-3 words, and the nurse said she should have 5-10. Now I'm constantly stressing about her not getting enough stimulation etc. So...her schedule seems to be in limbo--an in-between phase--which is adding to my feeling of in-between-ness. Everyday seems to go a bit differently, depending on what is/isn't happening during her "normal" naptimes. Goal number 3: Decide once and for all whether she's going to have 1 or 2 naps, and get a schedule going again!

Josh will be coming home soon (I can't give specifics). I'm worried that I've forgotten how to be a wife. I haven't cooked in a year; I certainly haven't had to "get ready" for anyone if I don't want to; I've made every decision for Annabelle since she was 5 months old (yes I talk to Josh about stuff ALL the time, but I'm still the only implementer). I've become more of a woman and less of a woman at the same time, if that's possible to comprehend. I can take care of the cars, take out my own trash, lift heavy things, change the vacuum belt, unplug the disposal, put together shelves, pack up and take a vacation with my baby, pay all the bills, and even hold back tears at times! And at the same time I haven't had the ability to hug and kiss my husband when he's having a hard day; I haven't had dinner ready when he's "home from work;" I haven't made time in my schedule for meeting him for lunch; I've been a single parent to Annabelle, and I haven't left room in the DVR for what he wants to watch! To make a long story short, I am so excited he is going to be home soon, yet I feel a life-change is right around the corner, and I hope I can be good at it. Goal number 3: Talk about all of these emotions in detail as much as possible with Josh, and try to take it one day at a time.

I have a few get-togethers I've been in the process of planning, but I haven't resumed the planning from early December. I think that's when I was last motivated :) I LOVE spending time with my friends and family! And I have the GREATEST cousins in the world, so I've been trying to plan a reunion-type thing so we can all talk and stay connected. Goal number 4: Send emails to friends and family to get these events going!!

Lastly, I haven't been to my ward in like 5 weeks! Why is it always so hard to go back if you miss even 1 week?! Annabelle and I were on a good routine before December. We were practicing quiet time at home, and we had like 3 great weeks in a row at church. Then we got off schedule, and I went to a couple different wards here and there with family, and now we're back to square one. I've been dreading going back because I'm afraid she won't behave, and I'll be embarrassed. Goal number 5: Just go back, start practicing quiet time again, and realize that LOTS of other mothers feel the same way!

Ok...I think that's enough for now. Whew! At least the new year gets us thinking about things we need to change, even if it doesn't get us quite motivated enough to start! Ha ha :)