What Did You Ever Do Without Me?

I am officially beginning Annabelle's book! It's a little book I picked up in Montana titled "Mom: Tell Me Your Story." The pages are filled with simple questions and lots of open space for writing. I have decided to include some of these entrys on my blog, with the intention of printing it out for her one day. So...here we go :)

"Before I was Born, What Did You Ever Do Without Me?"

Now that you are what seems to be my whole world, I almost can't even remember my life without you! Your dad and I have been married for only 3 short years, but it feels like a lifetime (in a good way of course)! I remember people telling me when I was pregnant that once I had this little baby, I would never wish to go back to the times when I was single, dating, or even married without a child. These little pearls of wisdom were probably the most accurate words of "advice" and encouragement I received throughout my entire pregnancy. Even now when I look back on wedding and dating photos, I feel that something is missing. How can Josh and I appear to be so complete and so in love, when so much was still waiting in the wings (or in heaven) to come down to us? Your ability to love will increase one hundred fold when you bring a baby into your lives--I don't know how it happens, but it does! Even better? It doesn't stop growing once they're here; it continues to grow, and to amaze you all the time.

So, now that you know how much my life has changed since having you, I'm sure you've guessed that what I did before having you pales in comparison :) I spent my 20's figuring out who I wanted to be as a woman. I moved away from home to attend school and dance. While there, I dated the guys who would not turn out to be "The One," and got in silly arguments with my roommates (Kristine and I used the phone too much, we had too many blenders on the counter, etc.). I spent about 32 hours per week in the dance studio--loved it and hated it all at the same time. But, when all was said and done I loved it and came back to it. I had some GREAT times with my best friends: Kristi, Kristine, Adrienne, Sarah and Brittany (yes, your Aunt). I made a lot of lists, both for entertainment and practical purposes. I slowly began to find myself after I was dumped flat on my back side by a guy who was SHORTER than me! Josh could eat that guy for lunch, but I cried for 3 months when he dumped me! Such a waste of emotion, although that partiular event sent me into the greatest year I had ever had--22!! Something clicked at 22, and I began caring for myself better, and gaining confidence. I changed my major to English, began excelling in my classes, started exercising, and found a sense of self that felt right. I worked at Discover Card, met lots of new friends, finished up my degree at BYU, and performed pretty well at my job. During this time, I confess to reading LOTS of magazines! I just loved them for some reason, and they were easy to flip through at my desk :) Josh and I became friends, dated, broke up, dated, got married, moved into a 700-square foot apartment, and got pregnant 3 months after getting married. All I can remember about the next 9 months are visions of Josh sitting at the computer doing homework while I sat on the couch reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "What To Eat When You're Expecting," while elevating my swollen feet!

I used to sit and daydream about what you'd look like, about the kind of mother I'd want to be, about what shade of Pink I would decorate your room, about how I couldn't wait to be done with the working world to be a mom. But all of my daydreams were based on my imagination, and not even my imagination could conceive what you would be and bring into my life. You are more adorable than I ever imagined; the kind of mother I want to be has grown and evolved with practice and experience; your room is purple; I am still working 24/7, but it is work that lifts me up and puts a smile on my face.

"I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
Than twine a chain of diamonds about my carefree head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise."
--Meredith Gray, from "The Beauty of Motherhood"