1 year ago
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Antibiotic-resistant E-Coli?!
I am SO happy to FINALLY be home! About 12 days ago I started feeling really sick: Severe body aches, fever, yuckiness! The 2nd day it became worse so I decided to go to the Instacare--HUGE mistake! I went in with a fever of 102.7 and body aches so bad I could barely move, but the doctor just tested me for the flu and gave me Ibuprofen for the pain...not even Tylenol for the fever! Sooo...throughout that day it worsened, and I decided I better go to my mom's so she could care for Annabelle, and so I could lie in bed. But at about 7pm, I started feeling terrible and I was FREEZING! My temperature was 106! My dad took me to the ER and they finally got my fever under control, finally gave me the good medication for the pain, did some chest x-rays, and ran a few other tests. The Dr. diagnosed me with Reactive Airway Disease and the flu (by this time my lungs were displaying symptoms).
The following day I didn't feel any better, and I got a call from my ER doctor saying one of my tests had come back showing some "growth." We had to wait another 24 hrs for secondary results to come back, and when those finally came back, I got another call saying I had tested positive for an Antibiotic-resistant strain of E-Coli, and I needed to get back to the hospital for treatment (which can only be done via IV). By the time I got back to the ER, my heart rate was 35 beats per minute, my lungs were filled with asthma and fluid, and the Center for Infectious Diseases was battling back and forth with my ER doctors about treatment. Once they found the ONE medication that the E-Coli was sensitive to, they began the IV, but my heart rate kept dropping and I was having difficulty breathing. My Cardiologist (literally, a heaven-sent man) came in, instantly admitted me, and started ordering more tests: EKG, Echo-cardiogram, CT scan, x-rays, and breathing treatments. I felt so relieved to FINALLY be taken care of! The EKG was the first test result we received, and it showed wave abnormalities; the 2nd result was from the Echo-cardiogram and it showed a fluid sac surrounding my heart, and the 3rd piece of bad news was that in the next 12 hrs they couldn't get my heart rate above the 30's. When they had me walk around for about 7 minutes in the halls, my heart rate ended up crashing, instead of rising. This all brought about the WORST conversation I've ever had with a doctor, in which he advised me that the E-Coli had launched a systemic attack on my body: Heart, lungs, stomach. The virus was affecting the vein that controls the slowing of the heart, and causing it to override the vein which speeds it up; my lungs were not responsive to the breathing treatments, and if it didn't imrove within 24 hrs, we were going to need to discuss a "permenent solution to a temporary problem"--a pacemaker! At 30! Soooo of course...BREAKDOWN AND TEARS! He advised breathing treatments, IV steroids, and another dose of the E-coli IV for that night, and told me I'd do a treadmill stress test the next morning to see if we could get that other vein to kick into gear. The next morning I knew I had to dig deep and try and get through this test, even though I hadn't eaten in about 4 days, I was dizzy, and wayyyy weak. The Cardiologist wanted to get me to 85% of my max, but at 76% I had to stop because my knees were going to collapse from underneath me and I was seeing stars. BUT...somehow it ended up being enough, and the rate started to come up!
However when I got back to my room, my Pulmonologist decided we needed to double up the medications in my breathing treatments because they weren't doing the job. During the treatment I had a severe reaction, which caused my entire body to cramp up and spasm. My hands cramped into contorted positions, and no one could move them, my eyes felt like they were blinking a million miles per hour, and my entire face was twitching. It took 25 minutes to come out of it, and it was one of the WORST experiences I've ever felt. The Dr. felt it made a difference in my lungs though, and they ordered the same treatment for 3 hrs. later! The 2nd time I had 3 nurses in there with me to make sure everything went ok, but the same thing happened, and I couldn't move. I just remember how awful it felt. I just lay there crying and twitching, not having ANY control over any part of my body. My hands looked like something from a horror movie--by far one of the worst experiences of being there! After that, they changed up the formula of meds again, and I started getting some results.
The next 24 hrs my heart rate came back up into the 40's, and the IV steroids for my lungs started working as well. But I was soooooo sick! I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow I was so sick. The doctors said I could have only parents visit at this point, and I basically slept the entire day. The next day I felt less nauseous, but still out of it. My blood pressure was way low each time I'd try and sit up, and I ended up passing out on the floor of my hospital room when I attempted to stand up on my own. Needless to say, they made me stay another night, and gave me fluids through the IV throughout the entire night. BUT ALAS...the following morning I felt much better! My blood pressure was way low, and the Cardiologist suggested one more night, but I couldn't! The man in the next room was moaning; I hadn't had fresh air in forever, and I wanted to leave. So...6 days after getting admitted, and 9 days after getting sick, I got to go home!
I feel so blessed to be back home, and I am amazingly blessed to have such a WONDERFUL family! My mom slept at the hospital the entire time I was there, and each time my heart rate alarm would sound, she'd make sure I woke up, sat up and moved around. She was the only one who could get answers from the doctors; she helped me each time I needed to stand up; she made multiple trips to the cafeteria for me when I finally felt I could eat something; she tried to massage my hand when it was contorted; she brought me hygiene items from her house and Nordstrom's, so I didn't have to use crappy hospital stuff, and she made sure I was as comfortable as possible. She and I will always share this experience in a unique way because we were really the only two who knew how bad it got, how scary it was, how awful I felt, and what a miracle it was that my heart and lungs began responding. She went through all the emotions and conversations with me, and I couldn't have done it without her! She's the BEST! I am also so thankful for Brittany and Nikki, who took Annabelle for me, and loved and cared for her like she was their own. They are the GREATEST, and it meant more than anything to me to know that she was taken care of, and I didn't have to worry one bit. I am grateful for my mother-in-law who came up to see me each day after work, drove out and checked on my house, and brought me magazines. I am so grateful for everyone in my family and in Josh's family who fasted and prayed for me, and I KNOW prayers are answered if we just have the faith! God is always there for us, aware of us and our needs. Sometimes He just needs us to believe that we can get better!
The following day I didn't feel any better, and I got a call from my ER doctor saying one of my tests had come back showing some "growth." We had to wait another 24 hrs for secondary results to come back, and when those finally came back, I got another call saying I had tested positive for an Antibiotic-resistant strain of E-Coli, and I needed to get back to the hospital for treatment (which can only be done via IV). By the time I got back to the ER, my heart rate was 35 beats per minute, my lungs were filled with asthma and fluid, and the Center for Infectious Diseases was battling back and forth with my ER doctors about treatment. Once they found the ONE medication that the E-Coli was sensitive to, they began the IV, but my heart rate kept dropping and I was having difficulty breathing. My Cardiologist (literally, a heaven-sent man) came in, instantly admitted me, and started ordering more tests: EKG, Echo-cardiogram, CT scan, x-rays, and breathing treatments. I felt so relieved to FINALLY be taken care of! The EKG was the first test result we received, and it showed wave abnormalities; the 2nd result was from the Echo-cardiogram and it showed a fluid sac surrounding my heart, and the 3rd piece of bad news was that in the next 12 hrs they couldn't get my heart rate above the 30's. When they had me walk around for about 7 minutes in the halls, my heart rate ended up crashing, instead of rising. This all brought about the WORST conversation I've ever had with a doctor, in which he advised me that the E-Coli had launched a systemic attack on my body: Heart, lungs, stomach. The virus was affecting the vein that controls the slowing of the heart, and causing it to override the vein which speeds it up; my lungs were not responsive to the breathing treatments, and if it didn't imrove within 24 hrs, we were going to need to discuss a "permenent solution to a temporary problem"--a pacemaker! At 30! Soooo of course...BREAKDOWN AND TEARS! He advised breathing treatments, IV steroids, and another dose of the E-coli IV for that night, and told me I'd do a treadmill stress test the next morning to see if we could get that other vein to kick into gear. The next morning I knew I had to dig deep and try and get through this test, even though I hadn't eaten in about 4 days, I was dizzy, and wayyyy weak. The Cardiologist wanted to get me to 85% of my max, but at 76% I had to stop because my knees were going to collapse from underneath me and I was seeing stars. BUT...somehow it ended up being enough, and the rate started to come up!
However when I got back to my room, my Pulmonologist decided we needed to double up the medications in my breathing treatments because they weren't doing the job. During the treatment I had a severe reaction, which caused my entire body to cramp up and spasm. My hands cramped into contorted positions, and no one could move them, my eyes felt like they were blinking a million miles per hour, and my entire face was twitching. It took 25 minutes to come out of it, and it was one of the WORST experiences I've ever felt. The Dr. felt it made a difference in my lungs though, and they ordered the same treatment for 3 hrs. later! The 2nd time I had 3 nurses in there with me to make sure everything went ok, but the same thing happened, and I couldn't move. I just remember how awful it felt. I just lay there crying and twitching, not having ANY control over any part of my body. My hands looked like something from a horror movie--by far one of the worst experiences of being there! After that, they changed up the formula of meds again, and I started getting some results.
The next 24 hrs my heart rate came back up into the 40's, and the IV steroids for my lungs started working as well. But I was soooooo sick! I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow I was so sick. The doctors said I could have only parents visit at this point, and I basically slept the entire day. The next day I felt less nauseous, but still out of it. My blood pressure was way low each time I'd try and sit up, and I ended up passing out on the floor of my hospital room when I attempted to stand up on my own. Needless to say, they made me stay another night, and gave me fluids through the IV throughout the entire night. BUT ALAS...the following morning I felt much better! My blood pressure was way low, and the Cardiologist suggested one more night, but I couldn't! The man in the next room was moaning; I hadn't had fresh air in forever, and I wanted to leave. So...6 days after getting admitted, and 9 days after getting sick, I got to go home!
I feel so blessed to be back home, and I am amazingly blessed to have such a WONDERFUL family! My mom slept at the hospital the entire time I was there, and each time my heart rate alarm would sound, she'd make sure I woke up, sat up and moved around. She was the only one who could get answers from the doctors; she helped me each time I needed to stand up; she made multiple trips to the cafeteria for me when I finally felt I could eat something; she tried to massage my hand when it was contorted; she brought me hygiene items from her house and Nordstrom's, so I didn't have to use crappy hospital stuff, and she made sure I was as comfortable as possible. She and I will always share this experience in a unique way because we were really the only two who knew how bad it got, how scary it was, how awful I felt, and what a miracle it was that my heart and lungs began responding. She went through all the emotions and conversations with me, and I couldn't have done it without her! She's the BEST! I am also so thankful for Brittany and Nikki, who took Annabelle for me, and loved and cared for her like she was their own. They are the GREATEST, and it meant more than anything to me to know that she was taken care of, and I didn't have to worry one bit. I am grateful for my mother-in-law who came up to see me each day after work, drove out and checked on my house, and brought me magazines. I am so grateful for everyone in my family and in Josh's family who fasted and prayed for me, and I KNOW prayers are answered if we just have the faith! God is always there for us, aware of us and our needs. Sometimes He just needs us to believe that we can get better!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Of a more spiritual nature...
My ward has a blog for all the women--such a great idea! A lot of us have our own blogs already, but this particular blog is a place for all of us to post thoughts, ideas, and anything of a spiritual nature. Today there was a post, and it was a link to an amazing video clip, something which uplifted me today, and straightened out my perspective. Here is the link for those of you who would like to watch it--trust me it's worth it! :)
http://www.youtube.com/swf/l.swf?video_id=snAjZ8mfoYw&rel=1&eurl=&iurl=http
http://www.youtube.com/swf/l.swf?video_id=snAjZ8mfoYw&rel=1&eurl=&iurl=http
Sunday, February 1, 2009
A Great Night Out (a short novel)
On Saturday night I had the opportunity to go to the 4th annual "Military Wives and Mothers Honor Event." It was held at downtown at the Utah National Guard Air Base, and was semiformal...which is always fun! I love to get dressed up and go out, but those types of occasions are rare these days, which now that I think about it probably makes it more special. The guest list included wives and mothers of currently-deployed soldiers. It's easy to feel alone, as though I am the only one going through this. But the truth is there are hundreds, thousands of women living in my same reality.
As I walked into the room, a kind lady asked my name, then welcomed me with a big hug :) How nice is that? So friendly! I quickly snatched a piece of paper, rolled up and tied with a ribbon. There were about a hundred of them, all different colors, sitting in a basket at the front table. After I did this, I paused and asked, "We can take these, right?" The lady replied, "Well, we're going to hand them out later with the gift bags." Hmmmm...what do I do at this point? Put it back in the basket and wait til later? Keep it? After all, it's in my hand, and I'm going to get one at some point anyway. I decide to keep it, and quickly say, "Well I'll just take mine now," after which I hurry away toward Erin! I can't resist a freebie! Truthfully, I took notice of those rolled up offerings during my welcome hug!
My mom and I take our seats, and I talk to Erin for a few minutes. Then another kind lady approaches our table and says, "Ladies there's hot chocolate and whip cream over at the table for you if you'd like." A hot drink to start out the night sounds perfect, and I still love that it's all free. So I immediately turn to my mom and say, "Let's go get some hot chocolate!" She agrees, stands up, and her chair goes crashing to the ground! I laugh (because I think it's pretty funny) and she hurries to pick it up and re-adjust the big, red bow that wraps around the back. We start walking, and she nearly collides with the server carrying the appetizer tray! So naturally I start laughing again. Then...I almost collide with the server carrying the appetizer tray! We finally make it to the hot chocolate safely, and it was delicious! Sidenote: It is much easier to handle a mug on its own, rather than handle a mug on a little plate, which is very awkward! Honestly I thought about ditching that little plate and just carrying the mug, but I worried about all the bad etiquette ramifications and couldn't do it. I decided to ditch the napkin instead--one less thing to juggle, and let's be honest, I don't need a napkin for a drink!
The program gets underway with a welcome from the hostess. She introduces the theme, which to be honest didn't make much sense. Something about fish in the sea, and remember my service, and accounts written in eternity? One time my mom got a little treat that said, "Have an Oreo of a day," and it kind of reminded me of that. A little bit of a stretch. Why not just give the Oreos with a note that says, "Have a wonderful day?" Anyway, I digress. The hostess then introduces the woman who will give the opening prayer. As this woman gets to the podium, she says into the microphone, "I'm not as thin as her," and then she instantly begins her prayer! What?! Did she really just say that? I couldn't help it, and I busted up laughing. It was so strange. She didn't give a little laugh or anything, just started into her prayer. I was totally laughing, watery-eyed, hoping no one would notice.
SGT Drew Howells then stood up to sing the National Anthem. Suddenly I'm watery-eyed for a different reason, and I find myself fighting off the tears. Wasn't I just laughing, drinking hot chocolate, wondering what my pastel pink, rolled-up favor had waiting for me inside? Now all I can think about is Josh, this country, and the flag standing so beautifully at the front of the room. It all begins to hit home. In regular, day-to-day living, I am rather strong. I don't immerse myself in thoughts of my single situation, and I definitely don't entertain the "what if's." I don't lie in bed at night crying; I'm always too exhausted. But when I am forced to stop and stand still, to remember and to reflect on what Josh is doing for this great nation, I instantly cry and feel huge surges of emotion: pride, love, grief, loneliness, respect, patriotism. It is quite indescribable.
The 1st speaker was Major General Brian Tarbet. He stood at the podium and opened by saying, "For those of you who don't know me, I am the one responsible for sending your husbands to war." He spoke of the greatness of our US Military saying, "as you look around during these tough times, you have seen institutions fail you: Banks, government, religions, etc. But the one instituion that has not failed you, and that will never fail you is the US military." They will always be there for us, for you. And I love that Josh is a part of that. He also said "for those of you whose husbands are in Afghanistan, know what a blessing and miracle it is to get them back safely." I know Afghanistan is not a safe place, but he seemed to know so much more, which made me feel so grateful for Heavenly Father's protection over Josh. He also showed a DVD with footage of the National Guard in various situations (e.g. Hurricane Katrina, Baghdad, Iraq, etc.). I can't watch stuff like that without getting emotional. They are true heroes, protecting freedom, and they are amazing.
SGT Howells performed a couple more songs, and then we ate our dinner. It was delicious! I talked to the other girls about the nice vacations we're planning for when our husbands get home, then we discussed life at home without them there. I realized as I was talking to them that I cry A LOT less now than I ever have in my entire life. I said something like, "How are you holding up, do you cry a lot?" Then the reply, "Ya...The other day I couldn't stop crying, and I missed him so much. What about you?" Ummmmm, I think, ummmmm...oh gosh...ummm, "Not really. I think I have had a few really bad days..." Then my mom jumps in, "You cried at the Rodeo!" "Yes! I cried at the Rodeo! I cry at events. I...uhhh...really lose it when I stop, stand still, and watch/listen to patriotic events and music. They played "American Soldier" and I lost it!" The conversation then shifted to something like, "Oh. I remember crying at the water show when I heard "God Bless the USA, I love those songs."
Oh gosh! They're sitting there thinking I'm terrible, verging on heartless. But I have broken down just like them! Why didn't I remember my sobbing phone call to Brittany on Thanksgiving? I could've re-told my experience the first night they left! Or what about when BOTH cars broke and I almost died when the brakes went out?! I definitely broke down that night! Anything...but the Rodeo?! Ummmm...yes girls, I vividly remember losing it, hardly able to breathe as I made my way through throngs of cow-folk to cry in peace. That "American Soldier" song can make you feel really lonely!
Thankfully, the hostess stands up to continue with the program. I completely forget about my conversation with the girls, and I am now thinking to myself, "Hmmmm if that prayer lady wouldn't have said anything, we wouldn't know she wasn't as thin as the hostess because they were both being hid by the podium." Oh well. Colonel Acton then speaks, and shares a story about the strength of his wife (Kristy). One night after their family had gone out together, they arrived home, opened the garage, and there was burglar standing there! Without even thinking, Kristy jumps out of the car, and takes on the burglar with her bare hands, getting him pinned in a corner until her husband gets there to take over :) It's insane how strong a deployment can make some people :)
Kristy's remarks following her husband were pretty funny. She said she made a list of all the things that went wrong while he was deployed. After a while, she realized by doing that, she was forcing herself to focus on the negative and overlook the blessings. I can easily see how that could happen! But there really is so much to learn from during a deployment, and attitude makes ALL the difference! You have to ask yourself, "How can I grow from this?" Not "How come I have to go through this?"
I loved hearing different remarks from various people about their experiences with deployment. No matter what, I can always find some aspect that I can perfectly relate to. And I know, there is no group of women who can understand my situation like they can. It is comforting. It is my belief that Heavenly Father blesses not only the soldiers, but their families as well. He blesses us in the ways we need Him to. I feel that He has blessed me with an emotional strength I sometimes don't even understand. The first 24 hours of this deployment were the hardest I have experienced. It became a life-changing experience for me. As much as I was hurting inside, I couldn't help but notice the impact my emotions had on Annabelle--she was a mess. I knew I couldn't do that anymore; I would need to be stronger for her. There have been a few times, while driving in the car, when I have felt seconds away from having a breakdown, wanting to cry my eyes out from frustration, exhaustion, or loneliness. But somehow I didn't, somehow I stopped myself from losing it in front of her. I believe with all my heart that Heavenly Father was watching over me during those times. There have been times when I have lost it while she sleeps, but never in front of her.
It's actually quite interesting to think about as I sit here writing about it. The things that unfailingly bring me to tears are thoughts and emotions centered around this great country, our freedoms, and what Josh and the US Military are doing every day in order to protect it. When I realize how much he is sacrificing to protect us, I feel so much pride that I cry. When I realize how much I have to do alone while he is away, and when I feel the effects of those responsibilities, I usually just want to go to sleep, wake up and start over.
The last song of the night was great. I will end this post with the lyrics, and thank all the soldiers for everything they do to protect our flag and all that it represents.
When the night seems to say
All hope is lost, gone away
But i know I'm not alone
By the light She stands.
There she waves faithful friend
Shimmering stars westward wind
Show the way, carry me
To the place She stands.
Just when you think it might be over, just when you think the fight is gone
Someone will risk his life to raise her, there she stands.
There she flies, clear blue skies
Reminds us with red, of those that died
Washed in white, by the brave
In their strength She stands.
When evil calls itself a martyr, when all your hopes come crashing down
Someone will pull her from the rubble, there she stands.
We've seen her flying torn and tattered, we've seen her stand the test of time
And through it all the fools have fallen, there she stands.
By the dawn's Early light
And through the fight
She stands.
As I walked into the room, a kind lady asked my name, then welcomed me with a big hug :) How nice is that? So friendly! I quickly snatched a piece of paper, rolled up and tied with a ribbon. There were about a hundred of them, all different colors, sitting in a basket at the front table. After I did this, I paused and asked, "We can take these, right?" The lady replied, "Well, we're going to hand them out later with the gift bags." Hmmmm...what do I do at this point? Put it back in the basket and wait til later? Keep it? After all, it's in my hand, and I'm going to get one at some point anyway. I decide to keep it, and quickly say, "Well I'll just take mine now," after which I hurry away toward Erin! I can't resist a freebie! Truthfully, I took notice of those rolled up offerings during my welcome hug!
My mom and I take our seats, and I talk to Erin for a few minutes. Then another kind lady approaches our table and says, "Ladies there's hot chocolate and whip cream over at the table for you if you'd like." A hot drink to start out the night sounds perfect, and I still love that it's all free. So I immediately turn to my mom and say, "Let's go get some hot chocolate!" She agrees, stands up, and her chair goes crashing to the ground! I laugh (because I think it's pretty funny) and she hurries to pick it up and re-adjust the big, red bow that wraps around the back. We start walking, and she nearly collides with the server carrying the appetizer tray! So naturally I start laughing again. Then...I almost collide with the server carrying the appetizer tray! We finally make it to the hot chocolate safely, and it was delicious! Sidenote: It is much easier to handle a mug on its own, rather than handle a mug on a little plate, which is very awkward! Honestly I thought about ditching that little plate and just carrying the mug, but I worried about all the bad etiquette ramifications and couldn't do it. I decided to ditch the napkin instead--one less thing to juggle, and let's be honest, I don't need a napkin for a drink!
The program gets underway with a welcome from the hostess. She introduces the theme, which to be honest didn't make much sense. Something about fish in the sea, and remember my service, and accounts written in eternity? One time my mom got a little treat that said, "Have an Oreo of a day," and it kind of reminded me of that. A little bit of a stretch. Why not just give the Oreos with a note that says, "Have a wonderful day?" Anyway, I digress. The hostess then introduces the woman who will give the opening prayer. As this woman gets to the podium, she says into the microphone, "I'm not as thin as her," and then she instantly begins her prayer! What?! Did she really just say that? I couldn't help it, and I busted up laughing. It was so strange. She didn't give a little laugh or anything, just started into her prayer. I was totally laughing, watery-eyed, hoping no one would notice.
SGT Drew Howells then stood up to sing the National Anthem. Suddenly I'm watery-eyed for a different reason, and I find myself fighting off the tears. Wasn't I just laughing, drinking hot chocolate, wondering what my pastel pink, rolled-up favor had waiting for me inside? Now all I can think about is Josh, this country, and the flag standing so beautifully at the front of the room. It all begins to hit home. In regular, day-to-day living, I am rather strong. I don't immerse myself in thoughts of my single situation, and I definitely don't entertain the "what if's." I don't lie in bed at night crying; I'm always too exhausted. But when I am forced to stop and stand still, to remember and to reflect on what Josh is doing for this great nation, I instantly cry and feel huge surges of emotion: pride, love, grief, loneliness, respect, patriotism. It is quite indescribable.
The 1st speaker was Major General Brian Tarbet. He stood at the podium and opened by saying, "For those of you who don't know me, I am the one responsible for sending your husbands to war." He spoke of the greatness of our US Military saying, "as you look around during these tough times, you have seen institutions fail you: Banks, government, religions, etc. But the one instituion that has not failed you, and that will never fail you is the US military." They will always be there for us, for you. And I love that Josh is a part of that. He also said "for those of you whose husbands are in Afghanistan, know what a blessing and miracle it is to get them back safely." I know Afghanistan is not a safe place, but he seemed to know so much more, which made me feel so grateful for Heavenly Father's protection over Josh. He also showed a DVD with footage of the National Guard in various situations (e.g. Hurricane Katrina, Baghdad, Iraq, etc.). I can't watch stuff like that without getting emotional. They are true heroes, protecting freedom, and they are amazing.
SGT Howells performed a couple more songs, and then we ate our dinner. It was delicious! I talked to the other girls about the nice vacations we're planning for when our husbands get home, then we discussed life at home without them there. I realized as I was talking to them that I cry A LOT less now than I ever have in my entire life. I said something like, "How are you holding up, do you cry a lot?" Then the reply, "Ya...The other day I couldn't stop crying, and I missed him so much. What about you?" Ummmmm, I think, ummmmm...oh gosh...ummm, "Not really. I think I have had a few really bad days..." Then my mom jumps in, "You cried at the Rodeo!" "Yes! I cried at the Rodeo! I cry at events. I...uhhh...really lose it when I stop, stand still, and watch/listen to patriotic events and music. They played "American Soldier" and I lost it!" The conversation then shifted to something like, "Oh. I remember crying at the water show when I heard "God Bless the USA, I love those songs."
Oh gosh! They're sitting there thinking I'm terrible, verging on heartless. But I have broken down just like them! Why didn't I remember my sobbing phone call to Brittany on Thanksgiving? I could've re-told my experience the first night they left! Or what about when BOTH cars broke and I almost died when the brakes went out?! I definitely broke down that night! Anything...but the Rodeo?! Ummmm...yes girls, I vividly remember losing it, hardly able to breathe as I made my way through throngs of cow-folk to cry in peace. That "American Soldier" song can make you feel really lonely!
Thankfully, the hostess stands up to continue with the program. I completely forget about my conversation with the girls, and I am now thinking to myself, "Hmmmm if that prayer lady wouldn't have said anything, we wouldn't know she wasn't as thin as the hostess because they were both being hid by the podium." Oh well. Colonel Acton then speaks, and shares a story about the strength of his wife (Kristy). One night after their family had gone out together, they arrived home, opened the garage, and there was burglar standing there! Without even thinking, Kristy jumps out of the car, and takes on the burglar with her bare hands, getting him pinned in a corner until her husband gets there to take over :) It's insane how strong a deployment can make some people :)
Kristy's remarks following her husband were pretty funny. She said she made a list of all the things that went wrong while he was deployed. After a while, she realized by doing that, she was forcing herself to focus on the negative and overlook the blessings. I can easily see how that could happen! But there really is so much to learn from during a deployment, and attitude makes ALL the difference! You have to ask yourself, "How can I grow from this?" Not "How come I have to go through this?"
I loved hearing different remarks from various people about their experiences with deployment. No matter what, I can always find some aspect that I can perfectly relate to. And I know, there is no group of women who can understand my situation like they can. It is comforting. It is my belief that Heavenly Father blesses not only the soldiers, but their families as well. He blesses us in the ways we need Him to. I feel that He has blessed me with an emotional strength I sometimes don't even understand. The first 24 hours of this deployment were the hardest I have experienced. It became a life-changing experience for me. As much as I was hurting inside, I couldn't help but notice the impact my emotions had on Annabelle--she was a mess. I knew I couldn't do that anymore; I would need to be stronger for her. There have been a few times, while driving in the car, when I have felt seconds away from having a breakdown, wanting to cry my eyes out from frustration, exhaustion, or loneliness. But somehow I didn't, somehow I stopped myself from losing it in front of her. I believe with all my heart that Heavenly Father was watching over me during those times. There have been times when I have lost it while she sleeps, but never in front of her.
It's actually quite interesting to think about as I sit here writing about it. The things that unfailingly bring me to tears are thoughts and emotions centered around this great country, our freedoms, and what Josh and the US Military are doing every day in order to protect it. When I realize how much he is sacrificing to protect us, I feel so much pride that I cry. When I realize how much I have to do alone while he is away, and when I feel the effects of those responsibilities, I usually just want to go to sleep, wake up and start over.
The last song of the night was great. I will end this post with the lyrics, and thank all the soldiers for everything they do to protect our flag and all that it represents.
When the night seems to say
All hope is lost, gone away
But i know I'm not alone
By the light She stands.
There she waves faithful friend
Shimmering stars westward wind
Show the way, carry me
To the place She stands.
Just when you think it might be over, just when you think the fight is gone
Someone will risk his life to raise her, there she stands.
There she flies, clear blue skies
Reminds us with red, of those that died
Washed in white, by the brave
In their strength She stands.
When evil calls itself a martyr, when all your hopes come crashing down
Someone will pull her from the rubble, there she stands.
We've seen her flying torn and tattered, we've seen her stand the test of time
And through it all the fools have fallen, there she stands.
By the dawn's Early light
And through the fight
She stands.
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